New Relationship Anxiety – How to Control Your Inner Voice

03 Sep

As with all relationships, there is the pending question mark that lingers over: will it work out in the long term? And, as hard as it is to accept, you probably have very little control over this. All you can do is control your own behavior.

Shot of a relaxed couple enjoying the day at home together

New relationship anxiety is more common than you could ever imagine and happens to most of us, you are certainly not alone if you are going through this!

I don’t know about you, but I absolutely love learning of new relationships: friends, colleagues and especially clients whom have successfully embarked on the magical journey with a new special someone.

There are very few things more exciting than a newfound relationship, those early exciting stages, where you both feel really excited and keen on each other. You’ve finally found someone who understands you. Woohoo, love at last!

However, what happens when you’ve been in the industry as long as I have, is often you come across people who may not have been so lucky in love in the past, and therefore, their new relationship can  suddenly unearth some old, lingering anxieties.

With all relationships, there is the pending question mark which lingers over: will it work out in the long term? And, as hard as it is to accept, you probably have very little control over this. All you can do is control your own behavior.

No one wants to feel rejected or to deal with a broken heart, but unfortunately if you want to experience real, true love then there is the risk which needs to be taken.

Anxiety and insecurity is totally normal when you fear the loss of a relationship, but try not to let it affect you and turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, or even sabotage your new relationship. Believe me, this happens a lot!

Take a moment to breathe. Try to stop thinking about “where” your relationship is going, and just enjoy the here and now in the present.

Sort of predictably, much research has found that people with low self-esteem have more relationship insecurity.

In my experience, it is imperative to deal with our insecurities without dragging our partner into them. I have two simple steps for this:

  • Realise the true underlying roots of our insecurity.
  • Challenge the inner-critic that damages our new relationship.

Where is the insecurity coming from?

When we enter a new relationship, it can stir up old feelings from our past like a big pot of boiling soup! Our brains are flooded with the same neurochemicals we felt back then.

We each have a working model for relationships which were formed in our early attachments to our main caretakers. Attachment styles include Anxious, Avoidant and Secure. Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize the way we maybe recreating a relationship scenario from our past. It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships.

Luckily, I can let you in on a secret: the best way to control your inner voice and deal with new relationship anxiety.

In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. Here are a few of my top tips which can help silence your new relationship anxiety:

  1. Maintain your independence

It’s really important to keep your own identity separate from our partner. When in a new relationship, it’s super easy to merge into your partner and lose yourself. It’s essential to maintain the unique aspects of ourselves that attracted us to each other in the first place, even as the connection deepens!

  1. Try not to act out no matter how anxious you are. 

Of course, we all know this is easier said than done, but our insecurities can cause some pretty destructive behavior. The green-eyed monster or being possessive can really upset your partner, not to mention yourself too! Snooping through their phone, checking up on them and getting mad every time they so much as talk to another person: these are all acts which can self-sabotage the relationship. By ignoring these feelings, we become more trustworthy and retain a stronger sense of trust within the relationship too – which is something we all want, right?

  1. Avoid seeking reassurance.

Looking to our partner to reassure us when we feel insecure only leads to more issues. Remember, these beliefs come from within ourselves, and unless we work through them, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are. Self-love and believing in ourselves is really important!

  1. There’s no need to measure

It’s important not to constantly evaluate or assess our partner’s every move. We won’t always see things the same way or express our love in the same way – this is because we all have different love languages: certain things, acts and gestures can make us feel more in love than others. It doesn’t mean you have to settle for someone who doesn’t put any effort in, just to recognize that not everyone has the same timeline, and can express their affections in a way you may not even realize.

So when it comes to silencing that inner-critic, just think: no time is wasted which taught us something about ourselves or how to love. Take the risk and control your anxieties: you never know, love may truly blossom!

There’s no doubt whatsoever that Vida’s psychology-led compatibility profiling methodology is the reason behind our immense success and multiple prestigious awards. If you’re looking for love and want to meet someone so compatible you can scarcely believe your luck, contact The Vida Consultancy today and take your first step on the road toward finding your ultimate partner.

by Gina Yannotta

Chief Operating Officer, New York City.

Gina Yannotta is Head Matchmaker & Chief Operating Officer at Vida’s New York office. Gina’s unyielding passion for the field, in combination with her extensive experience in matchmaking, has allowed her to orchestrate successful and everlasting relationships amongst her clients. Tasked with running the Manhattan office, Gina utilizes her interpersonal skills and relationship expertise to make a splash in the matchmaking pool, personally connecting her clients with their ultimate match while simultaneously taking advantage of the endless possibilities that NYC offers to its client-base.More by this author